i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
