It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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