Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
