just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
