i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
