I cannot find my penis.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
