Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
