just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
