I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
