At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
