I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
