Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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