my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
