In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
