I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
