I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
