i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
