he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
