Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
