I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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