Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
