You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
