I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
