I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
