the condom got lost in my hair
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
