someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
