It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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