I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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