I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
