I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
