I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
