it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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