So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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