I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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