I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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