genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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