Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
