my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
