I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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