So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Then you guys just all showered together...?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
