OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
