I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
