I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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