Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
