now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
