Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
