i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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