this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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