You just made me feel so damn special
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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