i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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