are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
