Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
