I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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