life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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