How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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