no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
